


don't trust a song that's flawless

by The_Blonde



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Cat Cafe, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-06-04 01:07:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6634849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Blonde/pseuds/The_Blonde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Dan surveys their menu. It’s in Comic Sans and all lower case. Only one drink has a description because (1) he got bored halfway through and (2) left the menus until last so they got rushed out opening day. The description is “coffee and foam?” with a question mark that he forgot to take out but now maybe creates some mystery. Add “update menus” to the to-do list. Phil’s drinks all have descriptions, detailed ones. The descriptions also have cat puns."</p><p>Or: Awkwardness Squared - A Love Story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	don't trust a song that's flawless

**Author's Note:**

> A new fandom! This was meant to be a couple of hundred words of fluff and then it got away from me a bit.
> 
> Title from Twenty One Pilots' Lane Boy.

The last thing Mrs Betts says, before following the last box of overly priced bath bombs into the removal van, is “learn better time management Daniel” as though this is sage business advice and not actually the same thing that parents/teachers/customers have been saying for the last twenty four years. Mrs Betts herself, as Dan’s Employment Nemesis, has been saying it on a daily basis for the entire three years that they’ve been next door to each other.

Tyler, because he’s a troll, nods politely and says “it’s a work in progress Mrs Betts. All the best in -”

“And your furnishings!” Mrs Betts throws a scandalised hand in the air. “All that black. It’s very disorientating.”

Tyler cuts in before Dan says something he’ll regret. “We’ll think about it.”

“And you need to paint the outside. It’s an eyesore.”

Dan turns, slowly, to survey the front of the shop. The Raspberry Bakery sign is missing both B’s and one R. The whole thing is the saddest shade of off-pink that it’s possible to be because he never had it repainted. And he never did fix that bit in the window after The Great Rock Cake Incident of 2014.

Tyler sighs. “That’s a point”. Mrs Betts looks like she has more to say but couldn’t possibly waste any more energy. Tyler takes the opportunity to breezily add “good luck with the new shop Mrs Betts! Come back and visit us soon!”

“I will not” sniffs Mrs Betts. 

“Okay then!” says Tyler, even his relentless chirpiness starting to fail. He ushers both himself and Dan back towards the doorway. “Uh, take care I guess!”

“Have you heard what they’re opening here?”

“Nope!” Tyler closes the door as Mrs Betts is still speaking, on what sounds like the word “cat”. “Did she say hat? Or cat?”

The lone customer stood at the counter says “I’ve been waiting 40 minutes for you. I think something’s burning”

Tyler puts on his Customer Charm face - “oops, let me get that fixed”

“And she probably said cat, they’re opening a cat cafe next door”

Tyler says “awesome!” at the same time as Dan says “a what?” which, incidentally, is about the same time that their coffee machine explodes, in the most pathetic way that anything has probably ever exploded (with a sad little pffftt, like a balloon deflating. Or a goose crying). Dan, Tyler and the customer stare at it for a few seconds until the customer adds “I did say”. 

Mrs Betts, who still hasn’t left and was probably waiting on purpose for this exact moment, watches them traipse onto the pavement, smelling of scalded milk (and with Tyler’s quiff collapsed to his forehead). “And the upkeep of your equipment is sub-par”.

“Oh, _fuck off_ ” says Dan.

~*~

Dan inherited The Raspberry Bakery from a great aunt that everyone had forgotten about and who he’s still not sure he was actually related to (“there were a lot of aunts” his father had said, vaguely. “She could, theoretically, have been one. I guess”), and had decided to take it on mostly because everyone had made concerned comments about his timekeeping/procrastination/general work ethic. All of these things were proven by the fact that he still hadn’t bothered to change the name. And had spent most of his budget turning the interior into some kind of bat cave (furnishing a coffee shop was a lot like playing The Sims. Except you actually had to spend a lot of time in your emo themed monstrosity afterwards).

It’s sandwiched between a candle shop (called The Candle Shop) and the ex-Mrs Betts’ Stupid Overpriced Toiletries (not actual name) on a leafy street in West London. Most of his customers are old ladies misled by the pink outside who say “oh dear me” when they walk in and are then too polite to leave. He gets a lot of book clubs and knitting clubs. They come back mainly for Tyler, Dan supposes, who is a living Disney Character and may as well have cartoon bluebirds flying around his head 90% of the time. 

“I knew that Brian was on his way out” Tyler pats the dead coffee machine fondly. “Goodnight sweet prince”. Tyler’s peppermint whip of hair is still plastered, limply, into a weak fringe. “He lasted longer than Barry anyway”. (Dan had, in Tyler’s words, “murdered” Barry in an unfortunate caramel related accident which neither of them speak of). 

Dan pats Brian too. “What’s a cat cafe anyway?”

Tyler says “a cafe with cats. They have them in Tokyo. And owl ones too, I think. Oh, and rabbit ones. You can pet animals while you drink tea. We could totally make this an owl cafe, we have the aesthetic.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to be in charge of animals” Dan unplugs Brian. “Not when we can’t even keep Brian alive.”

“ _We_ ” repeats Tyler, delicately. It’s fair. Tyler gets oddly attached to the coffee machines. Brian’s photo will join Billy, Barry, Blanche and Belinda on the Great Memorial Wall of Coffee Machines that Dan has Killed. “Brian’s caption is going to be ‘Brian: Dan never put in enough milk. Even when Tyler told him a million times.’”

(Barry’s caption says “Barry: There was too much caramel”)

(Belinda’s is just a question mark)

The whole shop now smells vaguely of burning. And also eggs, which is confusing. The Customer (who had gone to Starbucks and said he was Never Coming Back) will probably be their only visitor of the day. Dan usually spends customer free periods on Tumblr but he and Tyler take the rest of the afternoon looking at cat cafes on Google instead.

“She had a point. About the outside at least. We should paint it” Tyler says. “And I’m saying we even though we know that I will end up doing it.”

“Put it on the to-do list”

“Are we still calling it a to-do list? Even though nothing on there actually ever gets done” Tyler waits for a response. Dan is too distracted by the cat cafes. “Shall I speak to you when you’re done internetting?”

“Who the hell would even open one of these? Where do the cats _go_ when you’re not there? Do you have to live with them?”

Tyler waves a hand in front of his face. “I wrote it on the list. It’s between ‘fix the window’ and ‘buy a back-up coffee machine’. A back-up coffee machine would be pretty useful right now”

“And what if people steal the cats? Or if they just all walk out?”

Tyler makes an exasperated noise and tacks Brian’s photo to the Memorial Wall. The caption ends up saying “Brian: Because Dan is a Fail”.

~*~

The question of who the hell would open a cat cafe is answered three days later when a tall guy with Dan’s haircut wearing a bright blue star print shirt bounces in and orders a gingerbread latte.

“That’s Starbucks” says Dan slowly. “And also Christmas”

“It’s on your board” Star Print gestures to their menu board. Dan wasn’t entirely sure that they had a menu board but there it is; various Starbucks copies are written in pink swirly writing. 

Dan says “Tyler!” (to which Star Print says “sorry?”) and then remembers that Tyler is actually not here, he’s picking up stock (ie running around Waitrose’s cake aisle) and possibly getting a new Brian (“I feel like it’s too soon” Tyler had said. “I haven’t mourned him properly yet”). “Um, we don’t actually have….. A coffee machine. At present.”

Star Print blinks, then says, very gently, “but this is a coffee shop.”

Dan shrugs. “There’s a Starbucks two streets over.”

“But I’d rather drink in your……” Star Print surveys his surroundings. “Weird goth coffee establishment.”

“I can’t make any coffee” Dan shrugs again. “I’ll put a sign up” 

Star Print frowns at him, opens his mouth then obviously thinks better of whatever he was going to say. He eventually sighs and says “tea?”

There is a teapot. Dan eyes it warily. No one ever asks for tea. He’s not entirely sure where it came from. “I can try I guess. I don’t really make tea”

“Is this your first day?” Star Print says, still gently, as though he’s decided that Dan is the world’s oldest work experience kid. “I can come around and make it”

Dan almost shrugs for the third time, doesn’t, and then makes a weird hand gesture instead. “Sure.”

Star Print chatters cheerfully the entire time; about the tea, how much he likes tea, how much he likes the teapot, the mug, the decor of the shop, how much he likes coffee, something odd that happened to him on the tube, something odd that happened as he was walking here, almost like a particularly cute Pokemon using Relentless Chirpiness Attack and throwing tiny sunbeams everywhere. 

Eventually he comes up for breath and says “oh, I should have said. I’m opening up next door. You can let your boss know.” 

Dan says “YOU’RE opening the cat cafe?” in a louder voice than he’d meant to. He drops the volume “I mean, I’d heard about that.”

“Yep!” - Star Print takes a breath as though he’s about to start another monologue on how much he likes everything about cats ever.

Dan interrupts. “So how many cats, exactly?”

“Well we get them from shelters and stuff. It’s a good way to help them get re-homed because they get more confident with people. Probably not many at first though, I’m allergic so we’ll see how many I can be around without dying. Or something”

“You’re allergic. To Cats” 

“Yep! I mean, I don’t know how badly or anything, and I really like cats, and I really like the idea of -”

“What kind of a person opens a cat cafe when they’re allergic to cats?”

“Me, I guess” Star Print gives a bright, sunny smile (Ultimate Attack. It’s super effective. Dan probably smiles back, not that he’d admit it). “I’m Phil. Tell your boss that we’re expecting to open in the next two weeks”.

“I’m Dan. And also the boss. Or my boss. This is my shop”

Phil is polite enough to only let the look of complete shock remain on his face for half a second. “Wow, okay.”

“There usually is coffee. I swear.”

Phil finishes his tea. “Well, I’ll come back for that. I guess. Thanks for the tea.” 

He knocks over two mugs trying to get back around the counter and also nearly walks straight into Tyler on his way out of the door. 

Tyler, carrying a dozen Waitrose bags, says “I ordered a new Brian. I was thinking this one’s a girl and we could call her Brenda. Who was that? And why are you dimpling?”

Dan stops dimpling. Stupid traitorous dimples. “That’s the cat cafe owner. His name is Phil and he’s allergic to cats.”

“Cute” says Tyler.

“It’s not cute, it’s _ridiculous_ ”

Tyler says “I _meant_ him.”

“Really? I didn’t notice” Dan lies. He feels slightly dazed, like he’s stared at the sun for too long and is now going to get a headache. 

“Yeah, sure”

~*~

The cat cafe is called Totally Pawsome because, of _course_ it is. Tyler reports back after a completely innocent no hidden agenda whatsoever visit where he probably flirted a lot and made Phil awkward.

“ _Hey!_ ” says Tyler. “Except that’s totally what happened. I was completely unsuccessful, you’d be glad to know”

“Why would I be glad? I don’t care. Why would I care? I only met him once. I’m not even bothered”

Tyler rolls his eyes and produces Totally Pawsome’s menu. It’s blue with little explosions of stars, paw-prints and cat faces. Every drink has an exclamation mark after it, sometimes more than one, and all have pun related titles (A Mewment Like This Mocha!, The Supurrior Soy Latte!, A Cattitude Cappuccino!!). 

“I can’t even” Tyler snatches it back out of Dan’s hands and clasps his scrunched up fists to his cheeks. “It’s adorable.”

Mrs Dornan, a regular that Dan was in the middle of serving and who he’d actually forgotten was there, says “oh, is that the cat cafe? It sounds lovely. We’re all very excited.”

Mrs Dornan brings her own cup and saucer because, “as much as I like your commitment to a theme Daniel I can’t possibly drink from a black mug.” Dan realises, as he hands it back over, that it has tiny cats all over it and the handle is one of the cat’s tails. She sips daintily from said cup and innocently says “you’re not worried about the competition are you?”

Dan surveys their menu. It’s in Comic Sans and all lower case. Only one drink has a description because (1) he got bored halfway through and (2) left the menus until last so they got rushed out opening day. The description is “coffee and foam?”with a question mark that he forgot to take out but now maybe creates some mystery. Add “update menus” to the to-do list. Phil’s drinks all have descriptions, detailed ones. The descriptions also have cat puns. 

Dan says “um, no?”

Mrs Dornan says “that’s nice dear”, leaving the “you deluded idiot” unspoken but obvious. She ambles over to her table, full of other little old ladies who make up one of the book clubs. They are sat next to another table of old ladies who said that they were a “creative writing group” but mostly just seem to be developing pretty graphic Sherlock fan-fiction.

Dan realises, as suddenly as if Mrs Dornan had leaned over the counter and slapped him, that his entire clientele now has the option of a cafe where they can be surrounded by cats. And pet them. And also look at Phil, who has better manners than Dan and probably A BILLION matching cups and saucers so they never have to complain about black mugs again. He is halfway through saying this to Tyler before he realises that Tyler actually isn’t there.

Phil says “not a billion. But a few.”

Dan freezes (probably with his mouth half open). “How many is a few? Do they have cats on them? They probably do, right?”

Phil looks like he wants to lie but, let’s be real, is probably physically incapable of it “they do.”

“I read about a cat cafe in Japan that has a goat. You don’t have a goat do you?”

“Sadly not.”

“Okay” Dan takes a breath. “Oh, hi by the way.”

Phil says “hi!” and gives an awkward little wave. “Do you have coffee in your coffee shop this time?” - he holds up his own bottle of gingerbread syrup. 

Dan takes it from him. “Corporate Christmas Latte? You should put this on your own menu.”

“We do. It’s called the Furever Festive Gingerbread Latte”

Dan laughs. Not his cool work laugh, his real laugh which is too loud and makes every table of old ladies look in their direction. Phil looks pleased with himself. “Of course it is”. He sets Brenda off making espresso and begins frothing the milk. 

Phil says “I’m not stealing your customers. Or I hope not. I’ll send them back over here”

“Phil, you’re opening a _cat cafe_ \- my customers will be living with you. I can’t compete with that level of adorableness” 

Phil flushes and makes the world’s weirdest laugh noise, as though he’s feeling awkward about something that he hasn’t even _said_ , and then tries to save the whole situation by saying “we’re having an opening party on Thursday. You should come. If you wanted to. Bring Tyler”

Tyler, with super-sonic hearing, shouts “we’ll be there!” from wherever in the shop he currently is. 

Dan adds half the bottle of gingerbread syrup and hands a little black takeaway cup of latte to Phil. “I guess we will.”

When Phil’s left Tyler sidles over and stage whispers “if they’re ready to open then why is he coming here for coffee, hmmm?” The Hmmmmm lasts for an obnoxiously long time.

Dan starts about three different sentences and then gives up.

~*~

Dan spends Sunday buying a couple of cup and saucer sets. Mrs Dornan, when she comes in on Monday, looks touched but says “do they still have to be black though Daniel?”. She drinks from one anyway.

He also prints new menus. There are no puns and it’s still Comic Sans but he adds a gingerbread latte to the menu (the description is “a latte. With gingerbread syrup”. Descriptions are still not his strong point). Phil, when he sees it, smiles to himself and orders an extra large. 

(Phil sees it because, even though Dan knows they have a working coffee machine in Totally Pawsome now, he still comes to The Raspberry Bakery for a latte every day. Sometimes twice a day.

Tyler says “hmmmmmm” a lot).

~*~

On Wednesday Tyler flies through the door in a whirlwind of now-lilac hair and says “there’s a _girl_!”. He gives Dan a stricken look, which turns into utter astonishment, “what are you doing?”

“I paid to have the window fixed” Dan says, confused. “And now I’m cleaning it. I ticked it off the to-do list.” Tyler stares at him, apparently blindsided by this sudden productivity. Dan adds “where’s a girl?”

“Next door! I asked Maura in the candle place and _she_ said that she’s ‘the girlfriend’. She’s blonde and was wearing a lot of pink. She said my hair was fabulous.”

If Dan was a cartoon character he’d probably be ripping his tiny cartoon heart out of his cartoon chest and stamping on it right now. As this is irl he blinks at Tyler and says “okay, why are you telling me this?”

“Oh, _coooommmmeee oooonnnn_. You and your heart eyes and your dimples”

Dan curses his dimple again (which apparently does its own thing. Who knew) - “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Now I’m going to carry on cleaning this window. Start up Brenda please”

Tyler throws his arms in the air and whirlwinds away.

~*~

If Dan’s honest, owning a coffee shop was not how he expected his life (or the almost twenty five years of it so far) to go. Not that he’d had a grand life plan or anything but The After Uni Crisis had happened, and then the taking on the shop to surprise everyone both backfired and got out of hand very quickly. His mum used to say there was no shame in admitting that it wasn’t really for him but he’s not exactly full of options on what to do instead.

There’s also the fact that he has an employee now, which feels ridiculous most of the time as Tyler is quite obviously the one in charge. At his job interview (if you could call it that, as it took place in a Nandos) Tyler had looked confused and said “but don’t you want to do something else?”

Dan can’t remember how he answered but it was probably both epically awkward and epically untrue. 

~*~

The blonde in a lot of pink is called Louise. She greets Dan, Tyler and Maura From The Candle Shop (who somehow got adopted into their group now that she’s apparently Tyler’s new BFF) with a glass of Prosecco and an amazingly filthy sounding laugh. In other circumstances Dan would probably like her.

Louise says “so are you guys from next door?” and Dan replies “where are the cats?”

She doesn’t break stride. “We pick them up tomorrow. From the shelter. And you must be Dan, I’m guessing” which can only mean that Phil said keep an eye out for the socially awkward one wearing a lot of black, that’s Dan. Dan frowns, while holding eye contact with Louise, which basically comes across as glaring and leaves a huge pause.

“Yes he is” says Tyler (under his breath he hisses “be less weird this is so awkward”). “I’m Tyler. We work in the coffee shop next door.”

“Raspberry Bakery? It sounds so cute.”

“It’s not” says Dan. 

Louise looks taken aback. “Oh.”

Tyler says “get me more Processo Dan, I drank mine” and downs his glass. 

Dan sighs and wanders through the crowd of people milling around the main seating area to the drinks table. The cafe, inside, is exactly what he thought it would be - all blues and soft furnishings, little armchairs and cushions and (as expected) matching cups and saucers. Like the inside of a grandmother’s living room. There are baskets and hammocks dotted around for, he hopes, the cats. 

(There’s still a faint powdery bath bomb aroma. Dan isn’t sure what Mrs Betts used to put in those things but you could smell them from streets away, as soon as he got off the tube.) 

Phil is stood next to the drinks table, frowning at his phone. When he sees Dan his face lights up like he’s completely surprised to see him, here, at this event that he invited him to. He waves, even though Dan is stood two metres away. 

“Hi” Dan starts pouring Prosecco. “This place looks exactly like I thought it would. In a nice way.”

“Oh, thanks” Phil says. “I’m glad that you -”

“Bit disappointed in the lack of cats though. False advertising.”

“You’ll just have to come back when they’re here” Phil flushes instantly afterwards, in a way that Dan’s come to recognise, giving away the meaning behind what he’s said. Or that’s what Dan thought.

“We’ve met Louise” Dan says, to stop the flushing, more than anything. If that continues then he’s going to end up doing something he regrets. “She seems nice.”

“Oh! Yeah, she is” Phil looks startled that Dan thinks so, which is an odd way to take a compliment about your girlfriend. 

“How long have you -” Dan starts and is stopped by Hurricane Tyler arriving to crash the scene, clasping his arms around Dan’s shoulders and wailing “where’s my Prosecco Daniel?”

“I’m literally pouring one” Dan looks at the glass in his hand, which is somehow empty again. He possibly nervously drunk it without realising. “I’ll start again.”

Tyler leans his head on Dan’s shoulder and mumbles “Louise thought you were, and I quote, _incredibly eccentric_ "

Dan says “ha” rather than actually laughing and pats Tyler’s head. Phil, he realises, is giving them a very odd look. He mumbles back “you said that too loud I think”

Tyler retrieves his Prosecco, kisses Dan’s cheek (the pre-drinks they had in Maura’s shop are obviously kicking in) and wanders back into the crowd.

Phil watches him go and frowns a little.

“So how many cats are we talking? I read about one in Russia with 50” says Dan, returning to pouring. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, with your allergies.”

Phil smiles at him. “Have you been researching?”

“Possibly - have to fill my 1am internet sessions with something.”

“Less than 50” says Phil. “Probably around 20”. He messes with his fringe, “I didn’t realise that you and Tyler were -”

“Do you get to name them or are they already named?”

Some are, we’re naming the rest” Phil pauses and says “you should name one.” 

“Mewtwo” Dan replies, instantly, giving away that he’d spent a lot of time preparing for this exact question.

“Done” Phil gives him an intense sort of look. “Do you want to -”

Louise appears “Dan, your boyfriend wants another drink please” (Phil makes an odd little choking noise and instantly pours himself a glass).

Dan sighs and takes the glass to Tyler, who is reading the list of Cat Rules pinned to the wall behind what he assumes is going to be the main counter. 

Tyler says “look, all your questions answered. The first rule is please don’t steal the cats. Also, you’re just the weirdest person.”

Some of the other rules include: don’t let the cats drink your coffee. Don’t interrupt the cats if they’re sleeping. Don’t annoy the cats. Leave the cats alone if they don’t want to be bothered.

“We should have one for you in our place” says Tyler.

Dan wants to be annoyed but it actually sounds like a pretty great idea.

~*~

The cats arrive, all around 20 of them. Some of Dan’s regulars all stand at the windows and make cooing noises. Tyler, who was earlier claiming to be “too hungover to deal with this”, is stood with them. They’re all sighing and saying variations on _look at that one he’s got a patch over his eye!/one white paw!/a wonky tail! awwwwwwwww_

Dan takes a latte out to Phil, assuming that he won’t have time to make one for himself. “And also to check that you haven’t passed out from all the cat hair.”

Phil is holding two cats and has another one trying to climb up his legs. His hair is all over the place. It’s all so cute that Dan can barely stand to look. “Not yet. I think I’m building immunity.” His voice sounds slightly bunged up. “Louise is making sure I’m taking the tablets though.”

Of course she is. “Which one’s mine?”

“Uh, this one” Phil tilts forward to show Dan the cat in his left arm. It’s black and looks completely done with life but is also trying to nuzzle its way up to Phil’s chest, which Dan can’t blame him for really. Dan reaches out to pet it and gets a side eye (can cats side eye? Apparently so) of such utter disdain that he pulls his hand back. 

“Wow it’s me in cat form” says Dan, drily, as Mewtwo finally manages to clamber up to Phil’s shoulder, burying his grumpy cat face into the crook of Phil’s neck.

Phil, predictably, flushes. “Thanks for coming yesterday. I was looking for you, after. I wanted to -”

“Had to take Tyler home. He really loves his fizzy alcohol.” And had also recited the cat rules the entire way home on the tube.

“I was sort of hoping that…” Phil’s voice trails off.

“What?"

“Doesn’t matter” Phil shrugs, which dislodges Mewtwo (who makes a yowling despairing noise rather like the one inside Dan’s head right now). “Thanks for the coffee.”

“That’s okay. Keep taking the tablets please.” He feels somehow like he’s lost track of the whole conversation.

On the way out of the shop he sees Mrs Dornan, sat at one of the tables near the window, two cats on her lap, a look of utter joy on her face. When she sees Dan she jumps and pulls her scarf up to her eyes.

~*~

“Traitors!” says Tyler. “All of them! I thought Mrs Clyde at least was better than that.”

They’re in the office, stood on a box, peering into the window of Totally Pawsome, now populated by most of their regulars. Tyler keeps saying their names, followed by a dramatic sigh, as though he’s in a telenovela.

“Mrs Martin!” wails Tyler. “Why?”

Dan isn’t looking at any of them. He’s mostly watching Phil, who is wearing red plaid and frowning at his giant silver coffee machine, which appears to not be making coffee. In the ten minutes that Dan has been staring (no, not staring, casually observing) he’s broken two cups and spilt milk over himself. Louise appears and puts an arm around his shoulder.

Tyler says “maybe she’s not his girlfriend.”

“Who? I don’t know what you’re talking about”

“Daaaaaannnnnn”

Dan says “I just thought.”

Tyler nods encouragingly.

“I don’t know.”

Tyler gives him another moment then says “he likes you. He definitely does.”

Dan wants to say that it doesn’t matter very much. Now that there’s a girlfriend. Which sucks because he’s starting to feel like there’s nothing like being around Phil.

What he actually says is “who?"

“You’re the worst. You need to look at your - no, the creative writing group!” Tyler nearly throws himself from the box in anguish. “Now I’ll never know what happened in Chapter Twenty of that Johnlock fic.”

Dan is secretly pretty sad about that one too.

~*~

They just about break even for September. Tyler increases his university classes, meaning that Dan is mostly on his own in the shop. Apart from when Phil comes in for his morning coffee, which has crossed the line from ridiculous into something else completely. He gets a distraught look on his face everytime he walks in and sees the place empty.

“Hey!” says Dan, false cheeriness, “you just caught us at a quiet moment.”

Phil looks unconvinced. “It’s been like this every day. You’ve said that exact sentence every day.”

“Well, you need to stop being so cute with your cats and your menu and your -” Dan waves his hand in Phil’s general direction. “Stealing all my old ladies”

“Where’s Tyler? Why doesn’t he help out more?” Phil’s started being oddly formal and polite with Tyler, when he’s there, as though Tyler has personally offended him (which is like being offended by a labrador puppy). Tyler claims to know why this is but refuses to elaborate because Dan, apparently, “never wants to talk about it.”

“It’s term time, he has more seminars and stuff”

“He’s in university?”

“Yeah. Drama student. Obviously.” 

“Obviously” Phil repeats. Then “and I’ll send back your old ladies. We’ll do a rota or something.”

“I’ll just take Mrs Dornan. She was the best one” Dan sighs. “They’re gone, I accept it. They’ll never leave the cats.”

He hasn’t even switched Bertha on yet. She literally makes three drinks a day at the moment. Phil seems to realise this as she whirrs to life and says “I bet you wish I’d never moved next door.”

Dan says “ha. The complete opposite actually” which is not what he meant to say at all. Or is exactly what he wanted to say. 

Phil says something, really fast, that Dan doesn't catch

“What?”

Phil gives him a pained, don’t make me say it again, look and then repeats “what are you doing. After?” just as quickly.

“After what?”

“Work”

Dan says “Why?"

“I thought we could maybe go and, uh -”

“Get some coffee?”

“Or other stuff. Whatever you want. If Tyler doesn’t mind”

“Why would Tyler mind?” Dan says, confused. Phil looks like he might combust from all the questioning so he adds “yeah, okay. I close at 5.”

~*~

Phil looks both amazed and slightly appalled by Dan’s coffee shop story. Especially the random aunt part. “But, I mean, why didn’t you just sell it and take the money? If you didn’t really -”

“I have no idea” Dan says. They’ve ended up somewhere in the Southbank, by the river, sitting outside even though it’s freezing. They’re on their fourth drinks, the second ones got split over Phil’s coat as he carried them from the bar. “I had a bit of a…… thing after I graduated. And then everyone said it was a terrible idea. Which most people would have listened to because it was right. But -” he shrugs. 

“A thing after you graduated?”

“I wanted to do an MA in Editing” Dan says, as though that answers the question. 

“Oh!” Phil brightens. “Why didn’t you?”

Dan shrugs. “The chance kind of went.”

Phil shakes his head. “That’s not true. You could go back, you could -”

Dan has long since added “do an MA in Editing” to The List of Things Dan Howell Has Started And Never Finished. The personal to-do list. “So what about you? Why the cafe?”

“I won a load of money on The Weakest Link” says Phil, which is as far from what Dan was expecting as it’s possible to be, he chokes on his drink in surprise. “And I wanted to do something good with it. And I went to Tokyo and saw a cat cafe and thought it was a really nice idea. And then Louise -”

Dan doesn’t really want to hear about Louise. He waves his hand in a rewind motion “I’m still stuck on The Weakest Link, sorry.”

“Not much to say. Lady called Linda kept trying to sabotage me but I was smarter. Anne Robinson made fun of my hair. Which was awful at the time, to be fair. I think my episode’s on Youtube somewhere.”

Dan makes a mental note of that. “And before that? You weren’t just sitting around waiting to go on a gameshow. I hope.”

“Different things. Two degrees. A Masters; I liked being a student a lot. I had a placement with a film company but then, I had the money and thought I would do _something_ with it. So I did.”

Dan feels a stab of envy, not at Phil in particular but at people who find those types of decisions so easy. Find life so easy. “I liked being a student but also hated it at the same time.”

“Is that why you never went back?”

“Yes and no?”

Phil gives him a long, considering look. “I think you should. You don’t want to regret anything.”

Dan nearly says ha! I regret many things, one thing in particular, but says “well I have the cafe now, so -”

“And Tyler” says Phil, with a weird wistful tone to his voice. 

“Tyler? Tyler can leave at any time” Phil looks horrified. “I mean, I hope he doesn’t, obviously, but don’t tell him I said that.” Phil goes from horrified to really confused. 

Phil says “what did you mean when you said -” and, fairly obviously, changes the end of the question from what he was originally going to ask “ - that you had a bit of a thing after you graduated?”

“You don’t want to hear about that, it’s pathetic”

“I’m sure it’s not” Phil gives another considering look and Dan suddenly feels that he _could_ talk about that, could say the whole sad story, and that Phil would listen and not think any less of him and maybe even understand exactly how it is that he ended up, here, running the World’s Worst Coffee Shop, but instead he says:

“I should actually get going” he makes a show of checking the time on his phone. “I have to -” go home and go on the internet actually. And also wallow in his utter failness. “I’m meeting my -” his voice trails off.

Phil is kind enough to pretend not to notice the obviousness of the excuse and even acts like he needs to go too, which is so considerate and so tailored to make Dan feel less bad that it actually has the opposite effect and makes saying goodbye one of the most awkward things that Dan has ever participated in.

“Fuck, I’m sorry” he says, after Phil has given an elaborate story about needing to check on the cats and is hailing a taxi. “I made this awkward. And I really didn’t want to.”

Phil turns, arm still stretched in taxi hailing and nearly karate chops an innocent passer-by. “If it wasn’t awkward then it wouldn’t be us. Is something that I’m realising.”

“Well _that_ makes me feel better.”

A taxi pulls up. Phil opens the door and says “enjoy meeting whoever you’re meeting.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “Thanks.”

“Also awkwardness is really endearing. I think so anyway.” Phil closes the taxi door extremely quickly on the last word. 

“I meant what I said earlier” says Dan. “About being glad that you moved in next door.”

Phil shakes his head and mouths _I can’t hear you_ through the glass. He’s about to wind the window down when the taxi pulls away.

~*~

At Christmas they have their usual street get-together. Get-together being a posher word for pub crawl. They have to do all nine pubs on the road opposite, not that Dan ever has, as he and Mrs Betts would normally have an altercation at Pub Number Seven and both of them would have to leave.

Tyler, wearing an obnoxiously pink Christmas jumper with actual fairy lights, is running through the rules with Phil, Louise, Maura from the Candle Shop and 60% of the staff from the Sainsbury’s at the end of the street. The rules mostly come down to making someone share the Purple Rain pitcher with him at the Wetherspoons that makes up Pub Number Three. That someone is usually Dan. And the sharing is usually one each.

“That’s a pretty unique shade of purple” says Phil. Who hasn’t left Dan’s side since they came out. Louise is having drinks bought for her by the half of the Sainsbury’s group, which Phil is both apparently not minding and actively encouraging. “It’s really more of a Muddy Brown Rain.”

“Matches my aesthetic” Dan replies. “I should put it on my menu.”

“Also, I looked into it for you. The editing” Phil looks proud of himself. “They do an MA at most of the unis here, I really think -”

Dan knows exactly what universities in London offer editing. “Let’s not talk about my abandoned hopes and dreams now.”

Phil looks crushed. “It’s just, I was thinking about what you said and you should -”

“Fail at something else as opposed to what I’m doing now?” 

“The way you talk about yourself sometimes really bothers me.”

Dan looks at Phil, properly, for the first time since they entered Pub Number Three. He tries not to look too much, in all honesty. They’ve ended up in one of the alcoves which reeks of stale beer because, well, it’s a Wetherspoons. Everyone else is at the bar, or dancing. Phil’s fringe is a mess. The print of his shirt clashes with the print of the t-shirt underneath. He’s leaning forward into Dan’s space and his elbow is resting in a patch of spilled wine. He’s the only thing that Dan ever wants to look at.

“Why? Why does it bother you?”

“You’re better than that. Anyone can see it. You’re better than working in a coffee shop you hate with a boyfriend who doesn’t appreciate you”

Dan says “a what?”

Phil flushes. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. It’s none of my business.”

Dan wonders how much Purple Rain he’s drunk to have already lost track of a conversation. He must have misheard. Or something. “I don’t hate the coffee shop.”

“I shouldn’t have -”

“Except actually I do.” 

Tyler, who appears out of nowhere, as is his apparent habit now and says “oh Daniel, you’re not being a maudlin drunk tonight are you? It’s _Christmas_. Snap out of it.” Half of his fairy lights are missing and his lips are stained purple, from obvious further pitcher “sharing”. Judging by Phil’s face he seems very angry about this but says nothing. “You’ll never make it to the end like this.”

“We never DO make it to the end. We have literally never made it to Pub Number Nine.”

“Tonight could be the night Daniel” Tyler does jazz hands. “But you’ll never achieve it with that attitude.”

Phil actively glares at Tyler, which is not an expression that Dan is used to seeing on him. It’s not very threatening but the thought is there. He says “his attitude is fine” which obviously sounded better in his head and then instantly winces at himself.

~*~

Tonight is not the night. They start losing people at Pub Number Six, as usual. Louise disappears to go to Soho with the best looking Sainsbury’s clerk (Phil seems completely okay with this). Tyler and Maura go to the West End clubbing (Tyler wants Dan to come along but gets a look of utter disgust in reply).

Predictably it ends up just him and Phil, which is fine because Pub Number Six is his favourite, and also not fine because Phil is tipsy, which apparently means that his adorable earnestness gets dialled up to 11. And also he gets a bit handsy. Dan does not have the willpower to deal with this.

The first thing Phil says, when they sit at the quietest table, is “our coffee machine’s been working for months. It was the first thing I did.”

“I know.”

“I only came into the shop to see you.”

“I think I probably know that too.”

“I’m not going to anymore. Louise says I’m being really obvious and it’s making everyone awkward.”

Their relationship is just the weirdest thing. “Why would you talk to Louise about that?”

Phil looks confused. “Why wouldn’t I?”

Dan has no idea how to reply to that so shrugs instead. “You couldn’t possibly make me more awkward than I already am so….”

“She said I should respect your relationship and move on.”

“My -”

“And I don’t want Tyler getting annoyed or anything.”

“Tyler?” Again with the Tyler. Dan is starting to think that Tyler and Phil have has some huge argument that neither of them want to talk about. “Tyler’s probably quitting soon, he won’t even-”

“Quitting? But what about you?”

“What about me?” 

“Why do you always say that?”

“You’re _really_ angry about this.”

Phil has been tearing up beer mats, probably without realising. He gives the pieces a surprised look. “I’m sorry. It’s just, if I was him, I would be so -”

“If you were Tyler?” Dan shakes his head, trying to make sense of the whole thing. “I don’t get what we’re talking about.”

“No, it’s my fault” Phil sighs. “Why is he going to quit?”

(Tyler and Dan had had a, pretty intense, conversation before the crawl began; instigated by Tyler realising that they’d barely broken even for December. Dan had already known this and Tyler had accused him of hiding the paperwork, which was true. Tyler had said some things, Dan had mostly been silent, then he had said “well quit then, go and audition for Les Mis or whatever” and Tyler had said “maybe I will” and had flounced off still wearing his apron. He’d come back saying that he hadn’t meant anything and Dan had said he was just stressed but they both know, really, what’s coming.)

“He probably won’t” Dan lies. “He says that all the time” (he never had. Before). “He’s very dramatic.”

Phil looks unconvinced, which is an expression that he wears a lot around Dan, like he can see past all of the pretend aloofness into whatever is actually going on underneath. “That’s not a nice thing to say.”

“He never quits. He’s not me.”

“Stop that” Phil gathers his torn up mat remains into a neat pile. “You’re so much more than -”

“I should go. Home” Dan stands up so abruptly that his hips knock straight into the table. Both of their drinks spill.

Phil looks up at him. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” Dan really needs to find better ways of ending conversations when they get too much. “There’s nothing to _be_ sorry about. _I’m_ sorry, I’m always -”. The spilled drinks are now running off the table, most of it is getting on Phil’s shirt, which already had numerous spilled drink stains. “I just think now is probably a good time to go, okay? Before we both end up saying things.”

It makes no sense but Phil nods as though he understands exactly what Dan means. 

Once they get outside they hover near the end of the street as though they’re not sure what direction to go in, or if they’re going there together. Where does Phil even live? 

Dan, on this thought, says “what happens to the cats at night?”

Phil is swaying slightly on his feet. They both are, actually. “Uh, they sleep? I hope?”

“What if something happens? Like a -”

“Don’t say it”

“- catastrophe” Dan finishes. Looks pleased with himself. “You don’t have that on your menu.”

Phil kisses him. His mouth is still open on the “u” and his head is half turned so there’s an awkward teeth click (but how could anything with them not be awkward?) but then Phil brings his hands to Dan’s face, tilts him where he wants him and then it’s something else completely. Dan feels it right down to his toes. It’s nothing like he expected (bruising and grasping and bumping noses) and somehow everything he wanted. Except-

Dan pushes away. His hands are tangled in Phil’s jacket. He doesn’t move them. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have. With Louise and -”

Phil both looks and sounds dazed “what?”. His hands are still cupping Dan’s face, which is ridiculous. Dan shakes his head and they drop to his shoulders. “No, it’s my -”

Dan removes his hands, reluctantly. He hopes Phil understands how reluctantly. “I’m going to go. I don’t really want to, but I’m going”.

Phil nods but his hands are still clasping at Dan’s shoulders. “I don’t want -”

“Let’s not talk about this anymore, okay?” Dan adds “get home safe” (because he feels like he should) and then turns and walks in what he knows is completely the wrong direction, but goes with it regardless. 

He makes the mistake of turning, halfway down the street, and looking back at Phil, still stood in the same spot, exactly as Dan left him, looking completely lost. They make eye contact for a split second and it takes all of Dan’s (admittedly quite weak) self control to not run straight back over and say something ridiculous and along the lines of I don’t care if you have a girlfriend no one has ever said I’m better than anything ever no one has ever even thought that except you. 

He turns and keeps walking in, what is in so many ways, the wrong direction.

~*~

Phil doesn’t come in for his morning coffee. Actually, no one does. Tyler, epically hungover, even has time for a nap. Dan cleans the same table, the one in front of the window, a hundred times.

“Did something happen?” says Tyler. He’s whispering, as though his own voice is painful. “It feels like something happened.”

Dan says, primly, “nothing happened. We completed the pub crawl and then went home. Nothing out of the ordinary at all.” 

Tyler narrows his eyes “right. So you won’t mind if I just go over to next door. Just to see how things are.”

“I absolutely would not mind.”

“And you don’t want me to tell you anything about Phil.”

“I have no idea what you’re implying.”

Tyler goes, returns with two Clawfully Christmassey Cinnamon lattes. “He was there. And he said something really weird”. He stands expectantly, looking at Dan. “Like really weird. Completely out of nowhere. It was the strangest thing. Oh I wonder why that -”

Dan breaks instantly. “Fine, just tell me”

“He said I don’t know how good I’ve got it and that I should treat you better. How weird is that?” Tyler tilts his head to one side. “Now what the fuck happened last night?”

“He has a girlfriend!” says Dan, which doesn’t answer Tyler’s question AT ALL, as Tyler points out. “Tyler, I’m not talking about this. I can’t talk about this.”

Tyler frowns, tilts his head to one side, and says “we don’t have to if you don’t want to”

“I don’t want to. I very much do not want to”

“You’re going to have to at some point. You can’t just avoid things.”

Dan finally stops table cleaning and makes eye contact. “You’re not just talking about Phil are you?”

“Nope” Tyler, slowly, as though he’s walking on moving floor, goes to the counter and produces an official looking letter. From the bank. They both stare at it, solemnly, as though it deserves full respect.

Dan says “fuck” with as much meaning as he’s ever said it.

“Exactly” says Tyler.

~*~

The letter is pretty strongly worded and demanding that he see his bank manager. Which is never the most fun experience. He still sees the same guy who opened the shop’s account for him three years ago, the one who kept saying “are you sure? Are you really serious about this? It’s a huge commitment” and Dan had said “I know” even though that wasn’t really a yes. Has he ever been really sure or serious about anything? That’s the question.

“Oh no” says the manager (who is possibly called Mark. Dan blanked on the introductions), which is never what you want someone to say when they’re looking at your accounts. “Well, this is - what on earth happened in September?”

Phil happened. “Um, a new cafe opened right next door”. Being in the bank reminds him of being in school. He’s sat on a tiny red chair that’s far too small for him. “It’s really, uh, unique and a lot of my customers like it so….”

“The cat cafe? I love it there!” Possible-Mark’s face lights up and immediately dims. “I mean, uh, you haven’t made a profit since August. Broke even in September…. You’re actually starting to lose money now. Unless you have a plan for -”

“I have no plan. I’ve never had a plan”

Mark(?)’s eyebrows shoot up in a that-got-real-fast kind of way. “You should probably get one. Otherwise there’s no possible way you can stay open. If you closed now you could salvage what money is left and sell the plot.”

“Close?” Dan was expecting this, the confirmation that he’d failed, again, but actually hearing it still manages to surprise him.

“To be honest Daniel, I’m not seeing any other solution. It’s not even like you’ve suffered momentarily from a new business opening, it’s been months. And with a lack of any kind of solution” Mark(?) tries to sound nice about it, at least. “To stay open would mean a considerable amount of work. New ideas. Changes.”

Which you’re apparently not all that interested in making is the rest of that sentence. Even though it wasn’t said Dan hears it and mentally agrees.

“I’ll sell it” he says, somehow feeling himself deflate, sinking right down into the tiny chair.

~*~

When the solicitor’s letter had come, informing of Possible Aunt Selma’s death and that fact that she wanted to leave her coffee shop to a member of the family, Dan was at home, fresh out of uni and right in the midst of The Crisis (because it deserved all capitals really). He’d said “I’ll take it” to try and stop everyone walking on eggshells around him, all the timid enquiries of “so, have you thought what you’re going to do next?”. His mother had said “there’s no shame in admitting that you can’t do it, you know. No one will think anything of it” and he’d said “I can. I can do it.”

Of course he couldn’t. Not really. It was never going to happen.

~*~

“ _Close_?” says Tyler, putting on a good show of being surprised. “This isn’t you just having a stress out again, is it?”

“No. This is real. A real close” Dan feels exhausted, like he’s run a marathon (not that that has ever happened). “I’m sorry Tyler.”

“Why are you sorry?” Tyler looks dangerously like he’s going to hug Dan. Dan takes a cautious step away, just in case. “I’ll be _fine_. What are you going to do?”

Dan shrugs. “Who knows?”

Tyler says “do SOMETHING. Anything. Promise me.”

“I can’t promise anything. We should just put the shop on the Memorial Wall, the caption could be -”

“The caption would be Raspberry Bakery: Dan’s heart was never really in it” Tyler interrupts. “Which is truer than whatever you were going to say. Just make yourself happy for once Dan, seriously.”

Dan says “that’s easier said than -”

“No it’s not. It’s absolutely not. Why did you stay here for three years doing something you didn’t even like? Why are you so down on yourself all the time? Why are you dancing in circles around the boy next door who likes you? Why don’t you see yourself the way everyone else does?” Tyler is almost out of breath when he finishes. 

Dan doesn’t speak because he knows there’s a lump in his throat and crying in front of Tyler is a bad idea (seeing other people cry makes Tyler cry, which is somehow the sweetest thing). He just nods instead.

“I mean it, you’re a good person. An awesome person. You should be happy.”

~*~

The “Closing” sign goes up, shortly followed by the “For Sale” one. Some apologetic ex-customers shuffle in, for what Dan can only assume are nostalgic reasons, including Mrs Dornan, who hugs him. He hugs back for slightly too long and probably freaks her out.

He’s closing up for what is probably the third to last time when Phil comes over. He doesn’t say anything, just gives the “closing” sign a pointed look and waits for Dan to speak.

“It’s a closing sign.”

“I can see that.”

“We’re closing.”

Phil looks devastated. “I tried to send them back. I kept recommending your place and how -”

“Phil, it’s not your fault. It’s mine - I was too lazy with it. Always was. It was a miracle I managed to keep it open for three years, really. It’s the longest I ever stuck at anything.”

“This isn’t making me feel better.”

Dan says “I’m not trying to make you feel better. I’m just saying the truth.”

“What will you do now?”

“Go back home I guess. Try and figure something out. Probably not much.”

“What you said, when we went out that time, about the editing.”

“I couldn’t do that, how could I do that? I’d fail instantly.”

“You can’t not do things just because they might fail Dan” Phil looks like he’s talking about the editing and also not the editing. “That’s no way to carry on. How will you ever know unless you try?”

“Thanks for the pep talk”

“Don’t be like that” Phil says. They stand awkwardly, of course awkwardly, why must everything be so utterly awkward, and Phil apparently has time to think that saying “about what happened at Christmas….” is a great idea.

“What happened” says Dan “doesn’t matter. You have a girlfriend.”

Phil stares at him, his mouth falls open a little. “What?”

“It’s not fair to keep talking about it. Not to me. I really liked -” Dan wants to crawl into a hole just to get away from this whole awful conversation. Somehow the words “I really liked you” come tumbling out of his mouth and, with there being no holes to crawl into, he settles for letting himself back into the shop and locking the door. 

Phil knocks once, politely, and then leaves.

~*~

The next day a prospectus for the London Film School appears on his counter. There are four post-its attached (the post-its have paw prints on them).

The first one says “you’ll never know unless you try.”

The second one says “sorry, that was a bit abrupt. I meant if you want to.”

The third one says “but I really think you should.”

The fourth says “and also I don’t have a girlfriend. Actually as far from that as it’s possible to be.”

Dan has seen the prospectus before. More than once. A stupid amount of times, in fact. There’s one in his flat with his offer letter folded into the front cover, he has no idea why he even kept it. “You want to take on an old coffee shop instead of going to film school?” his dad had said. “That makes no sense.” Dan never said the honest reason, not once. The Crisis lasted months and confused everyone because how could he be sad when he’d got into the LFS? Isn’t that exactly what he’d always wanted? “Maybe you just need to take a year out” his mum had said, encouragingly. “Clear your head.” But Dan surely needed more than a year for that. 

(or maybe he didn’t. Anymore that is. He realises that, actually, his head has been feeling pretty clear these past few months. With Phil. Dan has no idea why he’d always stopped himself from telling Phil, all the unfinished sentences and things that he’d wanted to say and didn’t. What would make him happy? For once he actually knows).

He goes over to Totally Pawsome. Phil brightens when he sees him and Dan wonders how he ever missed how utterly OBVIOUS he was, right from the very beginning. It’s like the sun coming up.

“I already got in. I got in three years ago. I didn’t go” Dan says. “And also I thought Louise was your girlfriend. Tyler said.”

Phil blinks like that’s a lot of information to take in. “You didn’t go? And no, she’s not. Never has been.”

Dan gives the honest answer for the first time in the hundred times he’s been asked that question. “I wanted it too much. I scraped through uni and I couldn’t cope with the thought of failing at something I wanted to be good at. I told my family that I didn’t really fancy it and I wanted to open the coffee shop instead because of Aunt Selma. Who by the way I never met and no one can really remember if she’s my aunt or not. And then I went and failed at that too.”

Phil takes a moment to process. “Dan, you can’t be scared of wanting stuff too much, that’s…. Everyone fails at things. You have to try at least. You should always do what you want. If it’s legal and that.”

Dan laughs, slightly hysterically. “But what if -”

“Never say but what if again. Ever” Phil gives him an intense look. “”What do you want?”

“To study editing, I guess.”

“Great. Now phone them and see if they’ve kept your place.”

“It’s not as easy as that.”

“It _literally_ is. Phone them and then come back.” 

Dan is stood very close to Phil, which he obviously did without realising, like it happened naturally. “But, before I -”

“I’ll still be here” Phil gives him a gentle nudge. “Now go.”

~*~

He has a minor freak out because, well it’s him, and hangs up on the first ring a few times. But - Tyler has, indeed, put the shop on the Memorial Wall, between Blanche and Billy. The caption says “The Raspberry Bakery: whose owner should really believe in himself more.” Tyler is such a sap but Dan still stares at it for a while.

(The Crisis was exhausting and also a complete waste of a few months that turned into years. Constantly telling yourself you’re not good enough for something gets to be a habit. Maybe he wallowed in it for a while. Maybe he did just get lazy and procrastinate. Habits can be broken, if you really want to.)

Dan says “fine, enough” to no one in particular. 

The lady on the phone at LFS is initially extremely confused, but, after keeping him on hold for long enough to pack up all the mugs, cups and saucers, comes back to confirm that he can now accept the offer “you deferred three times” and join the September intake. “It’s lucky” she says, sniffily, “this probably would have been your last try”. 

When he hangs up he waits for the usual feeling of wanting to change his mind. It doesn’t happen. He actually just wants to hysterically laugh instead. Or hysterically cry. 

Phil comes in to find him standing in the middle of the shop staring at his phone in shock.

“I was getting concerned that you hadn’t come back. You’ve been gone ages” he looks at the phone. “Done?”

“Done. This is either the best or the scariest thing ever.”

“It’s the best” says Phil. “But it can be both, that’s not so bad.”

Dan had a whole speech prepared, a whole monologue on how he would never ever done this if not for Phil, as though Phil is someone he’s been waiting to show up for twenty four years and now he’s finally here and that being around him makes Dan happy. He wants to say _you clear my head_ which would confuse Phil but it’s the truth. What actually comes out of his mouth is “I’m sorry I thought Louise was your girlfriend.”

“I’d say I’m sorry too but that sounds kind of insulting. To Louise” Phil is starting to brighten. “I’m sorry that I thought Tyler was your boyfriend.”

Of course. It’s so obvious that Dan nearly slaps his forehead. “Me too. That would have saved a lot of awkwardness.”

“I couldn’t work it out. I thought I was reading the situation all wrong. Which is what usually happens.”

Dan says “hey - ask me what else I want.”

Phil attempts to frown. He can’t because he’s smiling. “What else do you want?”

“You. I guess.”

“You guess” Phil repeats. The smile is now dazzling, it’s the sun coming up after days, weeks, years of dark, when it’s everything you ever wanted to see. 

“If you’ll have me, I mean, I’m a massive fail who opened a coffee shop when I can’t make coffee, and still can’t, so….” Dan shrugs.

“I opened a cat cafe when I’m allergic to cats. I haven’t been able to breathe through my nose for months. I think you’re fine” Phil is cautiously taking slow steps nearer to Dan. “Two fails probably cancel each other out and become double awesomeness.”

“Or double failness. Failness multiplied” Dan deadpans. It’s not great deadpanning because he’s smiling too much. “Failness squared.”

Phil says, delightedly, “you’re _ridiculous_ ” and kisses him.

~*~

Dan sells The Raspberry Bakery in April, after several awkward viewings where he pointed at things and stated what they were (“table” “another table” “the counter.” The estate agent really shouldn’t have left him in charge of that.) He donates all of his black furnishings to the Halloween themed bar that opens across the street. Bertha goes with Tyler to his student flat because he can’t bear for her to be “alone”. Apparently. Dan thinks he might be running a secret student coffee racket but who knows with Tyler.

He helps out in Totally Pawsome, at least until term starts. That’s if “helping out” is the correct term for making heart eyes at Phil all day and talking him into make out sessions in the office. He has scratches up his arms because the cats are, apparently, very jealous and possessive. As expected, he and Louise get on amazingly, now that the whole girlfriend thing is cleared up. 

Phil is in the middle of a new delivery from the local cat shelter. They’re swapping over, now that the cats are used to people and are ready for re-homing. Phil looks like he might cry a bit. 

Dan puts an arm around his shoulders. “Hey, they’ll be fine. Mrs Dornan will be taking about 15 of them. She said.”

Phil sniffs, either from allergies or emotions. 

They kept Mewtwo though. Even though he hates Dan he really really loves Phil. And Dan can’t argue with that. 

Being with Phil is both exactly what Dan expected and also constantly surprising. Dan doesn’t really feel like a fail anymore. Not exactly like a huge success either but somewhere happily in the middle. It’s not perfect, there are still existential crises, 3 am meltdowns, procrastination and I-can’t-do-this-I’m -going-to-say-I’m-not-going (all Dan), and not correctly taking allergy medication, giving people free drinks because they looked sad and never wearing matching prints (all Phil), but Dan can’t ever recall a time where he has felt that he’s exactly where he should be, doing exactly the right thing.

(Phil is pressed against the glass of the van window, saying something and waving to the cats inside. The driver looks concerned).

Except now, that is.

**Author's Note:**

> \- I have, of course, overly exaggerated Phil's success on The Weakest Link. And also the prize money of that show, which I don't think is anywhere near enough to actually open a cat cafe, sadly!
> 
> \- I've also slightly modified the LFS's policy on deferring offers. For story reasons :)
> 
> \- Thanks to my creative writing classmates for the cat puns and for contributing to a phan fic without realising it! 
> 
> I'm not currently on Tumblr but will be soon.


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